Marriage Wasn't What I Expected

“Marriage Wasn’t What I Expected”

We don’t say it out loud enough—but so many of us walk into marriage with big dreams and open hearts... only to find that reality looks very different.

This week on Being Mary, I’m peeling back the curtain on what marriage taught me: about love, loneliness, unmet expectations, and personal growth.

If you've ever looked at your relationship and thought, "This isn’t what I thought it would be..." — this one’s for you. 💬💔💡

🎧 Tune in wherever you listen to podcasts.
 💭 And maybe bring a journal. This one gets personal.

“He wasn’t my dad. And I wasn’t my mom.”
A quiet truth that changed everything for me. 

Transcript

Hi, it’s Mary—and welcome back to Being Mary.

Today’s episode was inspired by a request I get often...
 And it’s one I’ve lived through in my own way:

"What happens when marriage isn’t what you expected?"

For many of us, marriage begins with dreams—
 Of romance, companionship, teamwork, and unwavering love.

But what happens when those dreams meet the realities of daily life...
 Of conflict...
 Of growth and change?

Let’s talk about it.

I used to think love would always feel like it did when we were dating.
 I believed I’d be pursued forever.
 That I’d always feel chosen… adored.

But reality crept in.
 Routines, responsibilities, and unspoken disappointments began to take up space.

And now, I’m still not sure what love is supposed to look like. 

Wouldn’t if be nice if there was some universal definition of what love in a marriage was to be like?

But here's the truth:
 Love in marriage isn’t a single feeling. It’s a series of choices.
And no one else's model—your parents', your friends’, or a movie’s—can define what your version should look like.

Real love isn’t about finding someone who never lets you down.
 It’s about choosing each other, even after the hard times.

Before we were married, we could talk for hours.
 We shared dreams. We rarely argued.
 I always felt I had a say.

But once we were married… hard conversations changed.
 It became his way—or no way.
 He was always right. And I wondered why I didn’t always agree.

The hardest moment?
 Asking him to go to marriage counseling.
 Surprisingly, he agreed.
 And honestly—that was the only way we were going to stay together.

They say that Love in marriage is less about the grand declarations,
 and more about the daily choosing—especially on the hard days.

You know, I thought life would be easier with a partner.
 That we’d share the load—chores, parenting, bills.

But somewhere along the way…
 I felt more like a single parent in a two-parent home.
 Invisible in my own life.  I didn’t know how to fix that.

I now understand that you can’t build a life together if you’re always disappearing inside the version your partner expects.

Tell me … Did you expect marriage to make you feel whole?
 Loved. Less lonely.

I did.

And Instead, it exposed the places I hadn’t healed.
 It didn’t rescue me.
 It showed me I needed to rescue myself.

Maybe I confused being loved with being rescued?

I believed we’d always stay the same—just older versions of our dating selves.
 But we didn’t.

We changed.
 And we didn’t change together.

I think I grieved more for the marriage I thought we’d have
than for the one we actually did.
A good question to ask yourself is:  Are you grieving a person—or the story you once believed?

I thought intimacy would always feel effortless.
 But that kind of connection takes effort.

And, What I missed most?
 was Feeling like I was the most important person in his world.

And those big life decisions?
 We didn’t talk about them.
 We just assumed we’d agree.

But eventually, those differences came to the surface—
 Parenting, money, values…

And they weren’t small.

I used to think love meant “never fighting.”
 Now I know it means “fighting for us, not against each other.”

When I think about where my expectations came from—
 I look to my parents.

They never fought in front of us.
 My dad made the big decisions.
 My mom supported him.

They had their roles, and they seemed okay with that.

But there wasn’t much affection shown either.
 No hugging. No kissing in front of us. 
 yet Still… there was commitment.

And I believe an unspoken love with mutual respect. 

You know, I thought I was marrying a man like my father.
 And I thought I’d be the kind of wife my mother was.

But he wasn’t my dad.
 And I wasn’t my mom.

Here’s a Final Reflection:

If marriage wasn’t what you were expecting, maybe it's because you're noticing your version doesn't match what you once believed it would be. That doesn’t make it wrong. It means you’re evolving—and that’s a powerful place to be.

What did I believe marriage would give me?

Security. Belonging. Love.

What I got was a mirror—
 One that reflected not just who my partner was…
 But who I was becoming.

And if I could go back and talk to that younger version of myself,
 I’d say this:

Marriage doesn’t complete you. You complete yourself.
Love is a practice, not a promise.
And it’s okay to rewrite the story when the old one no longer fits.

Thank you for being here with me today.

If something in this episode spoke to you, take a moment to journal it out.
 Or reach out.
 You’re not alone in these feelings.

Until next time—
 Keep walking. Keep believing. And most of all—keep being you.